My heart is feeling full. Full of what, I'm not sure, maybe this feeling is actually just heaviness. But I'm feeling the need to check in. How are you doing? It's totally freaky out there! This COVID-19 business is a trip, huh? What do you think we are supposed to learn? How are we going to come out of it all? Alive? Better? Wiser? More connected? Or just with more fear and dread?
It's at the point now where it is affecting EVERYONE. So I know it's affecting you, I want to know how. Are you working from home, homeschooling your kids, trapped in your house/apartment? Do you have enough groceries? Has your income stopped? How is your mental health?
Over here inside my head it's a challenge. I can see now that I can't fuck around. This is going to take all of my concentration. I will be calling on all of my tools. There will be days (yesterday was one) when it feels virtually impossible to put one foot in front of the other. But this is the work. This is what I'm talking about when I say that happiness is my life's work. It's my hardest work. Sometimes it starts to feel easy, and I might even get a little complacent. And then the roller coaster goes zooming down again. The thing is, it always goes back up. ALWAYS. Tears come to my eyes as I type this because I think I'm the one here who needs to hear it so badly.
Let me know how you'e doing. What are you doing to stay happy, or feel normal?
Here's what I've done so far that has helped:
I felt my feelings. Last night as I started to think things and feel things, I found myself saying out loud (to myself alone in my kitchen) "Wow, I'm really having some feelings!" And it was funny to say that so I laughed. But then I sat down and felt the feelings. Really let myself feel them. And I cried. Hard. And my cats got nervous. And then I laughed again. And I felt better. Full disclosure, the feelings were still there. They're still here now, I haven't fully worked through them yet, and that's fine.
I read a book. A novel that I could just escape into. In bed. With no sounds other than the wind outside and my cats snoring. And I avoided facebook for that whole hour.
I ran outside. This morning I gave myself the gift of moving my body at whatever pace I felt like moving at. I enjoyed the woods. I walked when I wanted to. I ran again when I got chilly. Looked at the trees. I looked up. And I reminded myself to just. be. here. now. and stop thinking about everyone else. One whole hour of just me and the trees.
I made a list, of things to do today, complete with check boxes. This felt really good this morning but now it's feeling overwhelming so I'm practicing kindness to myself by allowing myself to be ok with not checking all the boxes.
I'm avoiding the news. Today. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. But there is nothing that I really need to know at this point. I'm already staying away from people and being as diligent as possible about clean hands, clean surfaces, no face touching, etc. There is nothing the news can tell me right now that will change my behavior. I need a break. I realized that part of my darkness yesterday was about going down a hole of fear and negativity. It actually brought up some interesting feelings that might be helpful to work through, so I am, but I don't need to hear any more bad or scary news today. I'm taking today off.
My plan for the rest of the day is...
Maybe make jewelry
Maybe connect with some people that I love
Maybe cook something delicious
And definitely be kind to myself and love myself for trying. Remind myself that I am doing the best I can. Remind that asshole in my head that's been bitching at me that she is wrong, I AM GOOD. I AM BEAUTIFUL INSIDE. I AM KIND. I AM LOVE. I. AM. GOOD.
So are you! So, how are you? How's it going over there with you, my beautiful loves? Tell me, if you want, I'm here. ❤️😘
2 comments
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